I feel so confused and unsure of what I should be doing. I have some pretty big things going on right now and I feel like I am not giving 100% to anything. Its just all too much. I dont want to do 10 things poorly. I need to make a decision and do maybe 5 things, and do them well. I dont want to quit anything and I dont want to fail.
Waiting.
I dont like waiting. Being patient is not my thing. Never has been. I want to do everything as fast as I possibly can.
Being happy with what I can do and what I have.
I love my family and I have great support from my husband. I just need to figure out how to enjoy the things that are hard and learn from them. Being happy right now, is more important than wishing that something will make me happy later. I have plenty in my life to make me happy now. Just need to take it in.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to 7th grade and listen. I wish I would have learned life skills like time management, organization, and how to balance pleasure with torture (school). I wish I would have learned study habits that actually included time for study.
One of these days I am going to have to be a real life adult(hopefully sooner than later). My kids are watching me and I need to teach them. There are so many things I want to teach them, but right now, today, I just want to teach them that you can only do your best. Then after you do your best, its okay to ask someone else for help. Asking for help is not admitting you failed. Why cant I tattoo that on the inside of my eyelids.
I need help. I need more time in the day. I am overwhelmed with school and babies. I
I feel like I am failing as a mom, a wife, a student, a friend, a sister, a neighbor, and at just being me. The only thing I do feel successful in right now is my job. I am good at it, and its the only time of the day that I can sit down and do exactly what I am supposed to be doing and feel confident.
2 years is a long time. I need to find a way to be okay with 2 years of making school my main focus. I dont know how to balance this with family at all. I hate the thought of school over my babies or time at night to see my husband. How do I choose to get a babysitter so that I can go study, when my kids have already been with a babysitter all day while I was working.
Im not quitting my job. I cant and I dont want to. I love my job and I love that I have something that makes me feel successful. Is it selfish of me to like my job? Should I want to be a stay at home mom? Is it selfish of me to want a degree? Was it selfish of me to have babies before I was done with school? I dont want to know the answer to any of those questions.
At some point in my life I want to not be in a hurry. I wish that point was now.
This post successfully wasted 1 hour of my time. Great. Sorry to anyone that might read this. I needed somewhere to ramble and let off steam before I "accidentally" broke my computer into teeny tiny pieces.
1 comment:
Sometimes we write thing out and don't care for anyone's thoughts, so just delete if you don't want mine. You have every right to feel the way you do. I think the years are flying by for us all and it is the most important things that get left out. Just know that one day, Zane is going to want to drop out of school. Karlee is going to hate her husband, hate her body, want to have a successful career and feel guilty for it. They will both get babysitters for their kids so they can go on dates with their spouses, go to the grocery store, or even just to get a little extra work done. You may not be there every moment of the day now when they ride their bikes, or play blocks. Do you remember doing those thing every single day with your mom? Probably not. But I do know that you remember the days when you felt everything was falling apart around you, and your mom was there for you. When Karlee and Zane call you crying and frustrated and feeling like they should give it all up, you get to know exactly how they are feeling. They will remember that. And you will never regret learning these lessons now, so you can be better for them then. I love you.
Post a Comment