Vent

I am so frustrated right now I could scream and smash my computer.
I feel so confused and unsure of what I should be doing. I have some pretty big things going on right now and I feel like I am not giving 100% to anything. Its just all too much. I dont want to do 10 things poorly. I need to make a decision and do maybe 5 things, and do them well. I dont want to quit anything and I dont want to fail.

Waiting.

I dont like waiting. Being patient is not my thing. Never has been. I want to do everything as fast as I possibly can.

Being happy with what I can do and what I have.
I love my family and I have great support from my husband. I just need to figure out how to enjoy the things that are hard and learn from them. Being happy right now, is more important than wishing that something will make me happy later. I have plenty in my life to make me happy now. Just need to take it in.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to 7th grade and listen. I wish I would have learned life skills like time management, organization, and how to balance pleasure with torture (school). I wish I would have learned study habits that actually included time for study.

One of these days I am going to have to be a real life adult(hopefully sooner than later). My kids are watching me and I need to teach them. There are so many things I want to teach them, but right now, today, I just want to teach them that you can only do your best. Then after you do your best, its okay to ask someone else for help. Asking for help is not admitting you failed. Why cant I tattoo that on the inside of my eyelids.

I need help. I need more time in the day. I am overwhelmed with school and babies. I hate, HATE, not getting to spend every minute of every day with my kids. The last thing I want to do is get a babysitter after they have been with a babysitter all day while I was working but I need more time for school. I have tried (for 3 years now) to work on school at night, during naps, or other various times through out the day but it is just not cutting it.

I feel like I am failing as a mom, a wife, a student, a friend, a sister, a neighbor, and at just being me. The only thing I do feel successful in right now is my job. I am good at it, and its the only time of the day that I can sit down and do exactly what I am supposed to be doing and feel confident.

2 years is a long time. I need to find a way to be okay with 2 years of making school my main focus. I dont know how to balance this with family at all. I hate the thought of school over my babies or time at night to see my husband. How do I choose to get a babysitter so that I can go study, when my kids have already been with a babysitter all day while I was working.

Im not quitting my job. I cant and I dont want to. I love my job and I love that I have something that makes me feel successful. Is it selfish of me to like my job? Should I want to be a stay at home mom? Is it selfish of me to want a degree? Was it selfish of me to have babies before I was done with school? I dont want to know the answer to any of those questions.

At some point in my life I want to not be in a hurry. I wish that point was now.

This post successfully wasted 1 hour of my time. Great. Sorry to anyone that might read this. I needed somewhere to ramble and let off steam before I "accidentally" broke my computer into teeny tiny pieces.

Growing up is hard.... on moms.

My kids are growing up and with every new milestone, I cheer and then I secretly cry later in my bed.

Zane seems to be growing much faster than Karlee did. He has done everything a few months before she even showed interest in it. I don't like this. I liked that Karlee was my baby for so long. I want Zane to stay my baby. He has other plans.

He walks, he sleeps at night and only takes 1 nap during the day (it a long 3-4 hour nap.) He eats pretty much any food you put in front of him, as long as he can eat it himself with out your help. He doesn't want any help, with anything. He plays well with other kids, he climbs everything. He eats suckers and Popsicles by himself like its no big deal. He calms him self down when he bumps his head or falls down. He is just all around a big kid trapped in a toddler body.

Well yesterday he decided to do a way with another "thats for babies" item. He broke his last bottle. He throws them and shatters them on the tile. So, now he doesn't drink bottles anymore either. No baba and no formula. Just sippys and milk. And so far, he doesn't really care too much. He had a sippy with milk yesterday before bed and then when I laid him into his crib, he just snuggled up to his blanket and went to sleep with out 1 tear.

I hate it, and I love it. He is such a good boy, but hardley my baby anymore.

Karlee walking upside down

My cute girl.

after everything she says... again again again dad.

4 years

4 years ago I made the best decision of my life. I married the man of my dreams and have found new reasons every day since then, reminding me that he is the man for me.

I love my husband with my whole heart. He is my perfect compliment and helps me to be the best me. He supports me in everything I do and pushes me to try harder. He is everything to not only me but my children also. He is the best dad. I wont say that there haven't been hard times in the last 4 years but I will say, during hard times, my decision to love him has only become more clear. He is the person I want to try for, he is the person that I want to work at things with, he is the person I want standing next to me every single day. When I think about our future together, all I can do is smile. We have come so far in 4 years, the future will only get better.

Zane gets mad....

Karlee still likes me to help her eat her dinner. She is so lazy. Zane doesn't want help doing anything and since he doesn't talk yet, this is his way of showing you he wants to do it himself. Of course Allen pulled out the video camera and he stopped doing it. So the first time I asked him if he wants help he doesn't care, but you will see how he reacts every other time I touch his spoon. Funny kid. I thought he was pooping or going to pop a blood vessel in his face. This is now his reaction every time you try to do something for him.

December wind

On December 10th, the wasatch front was hit with a pretty intense wind storm. It was not a huricane or a tornado, but it left behind a huge path of destruction. Centerville city mayor declared a state of emergency because the power was knocked out in some places for 5 days, tree's uprooted and landed on houses, ours included. Traffic lights were knocked over, semi's tipped over all along the freeway, chimneys were ripped off the sides of people's houses and so on and so on. It was a mess.

All night I heard the wind blowing and debris knocking against our house. Zane was screaming half the night because it kept scaring him. At about 5AM I tried to wake Allen up to have him move our patio set and BBQ grill into the house because I was afraid it was going to blow away. I looked out the window and saw garbage cans rolling down the street.
Allen went out side to see what he could do and saw that our neighbors fence gate had ripped off and was laying in the middle of the street. He helped him move it into his yard and then came running back. He said the wind was too strong that it wasn't safe to go out there. In my mind this means... scary what do we do, whats going to happen, whats going to get ruined, how should we prepare... In Allens mind, it meant, go back to sleep and access the damage later. At about 5:55 am, when I was about ready to log in for work, the power went out. So, I called my boss and told her I was just going to take a sick day. Zane and I had strep throat and I didnt want to go in office if my power was out.

I tried to go back to sleep with Allen and about 15 minutes later we heard the biggest boom. It was pitch black in our bedroom and Allen and I both shot out of our beds. We ran to see what happened and found that the huge pine tree in our back yard had uprooted and landed on top of karlees room, on top of our house. Karlee slept through the entire thing. It completely crushed our swing set. My neighbor Sarah text me and said... Just making sure everyone is okay, im sure you probably know but there is a tree on top of your house :)

We were fine but it scared the bajeezee's out of us. Minus Karlee who didnt even flinch.

We looked around out side and realized this was a huge problem and that we were probably getting hit the hardest being right in the base of the small canyons of the centerville mountains. Perfect path for the wind. I made allen run to home depot and buy a generator so our fish and food wouldnt all die or go bad. I thought the car was going to tip over while we were driving. Thinking back, It was the dumbest idea ever. We never should have been driving around it that.

Our power was out for 2 days. We stayed up at Grandma and Grandpa Allens house because they had a fire place and warm house. Clean up around town was amazing to watch. People really came out of no where and just helped everywhere they could. Everywhere you looked there was tree's laying in the streets and ontop of houses. My parents had 2 chimneys in their back yard and 7 of their trees uprooted and tipped over. It was really sad to see. I am so thankful that none of us were hurt and also thankful for all the great people who came to help us.

California Trip 2011

California is ALAWAYS my favorite trip of the year. We have a blast every time. Zane loved the beach and Karlee loves the entire adventure. We stopped in Vegas on the drive down and stayed 1 night. Chelsea came with us so after we hung out on the strip and went shopping with her, we took her and the kids back to the hotel and while everyone was asleep, Allen and I got to go out and gamble. We had lots of fun. Then we finished our drive and stayed in the condo's on Solana beach for 7 nights. Its so fun. Totally relaxed, we get to do whatever we want, beach, shop, movie, go on walks, swim in the pool. Just whatever. We went to the beach almost every day. I hate that I didn't blog about it right after we went because I have forgotten most of the small details that I would have liked to remember. At least we have pictures. After California we drove back to Vegas and Stayed 1 more night. We stayed at the Cosmopolitan on the way home and had an awesome suite. Chelsea stayed with us again so that at night we could go out and have some fun. We ended up winning a few hundred dollars on the 5cent roulette machines. Ha, it is now my favorite.

Karlee's Unexpected hair cut.

This weekend was interesting.  ha.  hmmmmm.

Saturday I had to work, which I hate.  I thought it wouldnt be so bad because I never have to and Its only 1 time.  Well it was a busy day and the phones never stopped ringing.  After work we decided to take the kids to the swimming pool.  Karlee was way excited and had been wearing her new bikini around for 2 days.  



After driving to 3 different stores looking for swim diapers and not finding any, we just decided to buy one at the rec center. They didn't have any either. So Allen and Zane didn't get to swim because it is against the law for children who are not potty trained to swim with out one on. We couldn't tell Karlee no at this point so me and Karlee just went swimming.

We had a great time. I took her through the lazy river and the jet under the water, pulled the bottoms of my swim suit right down to my ankles. Awesome. Poor little kids swimming with goggles got a scary surprise. Karlee only almost drown 1 time.

After swimming we went to smith to buy meat for dinner, they had swim diapers.

Sunday, Allen had to work. This never happens, us both working on the same weekend. He went to work at 6am. By 9am, Zane had drank toilet bowl cleaner, I burned my hand on a flat iron, and Karlee had peed her pants. Great start, awesome parenting.

We packed up and decided to go eat lunch with Shaleen and her kids. We got there after they were done eating.

It was such a nice sunny day so we took the kids outside and let them ride bikes. I had on jeans and I was burning hot. I love it. Some time in the 2 hours we were there, we got another surprise. Makynlie (5 years old) Karlee's cousin, gave Karlee a little hair cut. We didn't even notice until that night when Makyn called crying saying she was sorry. Oh little girls. Love them, but they are interesting.

Allen met up with us over at Shaleens house and then on our way home we stopped at the fish store and he bought a new sea horse for his little tank. Its pretty cute.
Karlee and I stopped for slurpees. The weekend was crazy. Im ready for next weekend.

2011 Cabin Trip and camping in the back yard

The Bishop side of the family has a cabin, that Allen Loves. I try hard to love the cabin but to be honest its not my favorite place to be. One night I had a bat in my room, and another trip I was eaten alive by spiders and mosquito. I do love the relaxing during the day and no cell phone service or internet to bother with. I love watching Allen in his element and I certainly love being with family as long as everyone is in a good mood!

Here is 1 of our trips last year.

Another Part of summer and camping that I love is camping in the back yard. I love having a fire in our pit and BBQ's. Here are some pics of one of my favorite nights with my family last summer.